Scene: Illyria. Entryway to Olivia's rebel base. There is a security barrier. There is a sign that says "Secret Rebel Base. No Federation troops or children under 16". Another sign points to a gift shop. [ Enter Toby and Andrew, drunk. carrying rifles. ] Toby: Hallo! Guard! Two valiant heroes desire entry! Andrew: Or we'll huff. Toby: And we'll puff. Andrew: And we'll zap you into a greasy stain with our neutron blasters. [ Enter Malvolio, on the other side of the security barrier. ] Malvolio: Who calls? Who goes there? Andrew: [to Toby] By Satan's breath! Malvolio is the guard! We shall be reprimanded for sure. Toby: [to Andrew] Nay, if I'm to pay, I'll take my purchase with me. There's sport in this. [to Mal] Open up, I say, or receive the discharge of our manly weapons! Andrew: Thy weapon has a discharge? Get thee to an apothecary. [laughter] Malvolio: Who goes there? Speak, else the defense grid shall - what was thy phrase? - zap thee into a greasy stain. Toby: Why asketh this, Malvolio? Thou knowest us. Malvolio: Thy countenances are indeed familiar, and thy manners likewise. Surely this is Toby's childish insolence? And could this brainless visage, so woefully free of intellect, belong to any other than Andrew? Indeed it could. Well we know that the Federation have used androids. Have we not heard of the clone masters? Toby: But you know who I am? Malvolio: Ah, do I? Toby, or not Toby? That is the question. Prove thy identity. Speak the pass phrase, for voice print analysis. Toby: [to Andrew] What is the pass phrase? Andrew: I remember. It was "I am Space Commander Travis, and I am Alvin Stardust's love child." Toby: You should not mock, else we will not gain entrance. Andrew: Even so. I will do it properly. "I am Alvin Stardust's love child." [points, Alvin-like] Malvolio: That is not the pass phrase. Toby: No, that was last week's. It was good, though. I am proud of it. Andrew: The previous one was better. Toby: I have forgotten it. Andrew: "I am wearing Servalan's underwear". [ enter Olivia and Anna, behind Toby and Andrew, unseen. ] Toby: And who was it who happened to be out on border patrol at the time? [they laugh, Mal blushes] Malvolio: I have armed the defense grid. Speak, rogues, and choose your words carefully, lest they be your last. Toby: and Andrew [together, mumbling] "For the good of all mankind" Malvolio: Even so. Enter. [ Olivia approaches ] My lady Olivia! Olivia: Malvolio. I am pleased to see you retain your attention to small details. Toby: [to Andrew] Only because he can't cope with anything bigger. Olivia: Take note, Toby. Vigilance is always important. Might I enquire why you were outside the base just now? Toby: [caught out] We were running simulations against alien attacks, my lady. Olivia: With your blaster rifles? Toby: Indeed. We made use of one of the alien ship models from the tactical display. Olivia: One of the scale models I was using earlier in the briefing? Toby: Indeed, my lady. And our defensive manoveurs were successful. Olivia: In other words, you've been out in the fields taking pot-shots at the cook's best wok? Toby: [embarrassed] That's a very literal interpretation, my lady. Malvolio: They're not suitable to be in the resistance, my lady! Olivia: After the war, we need everyone, Malvolio. And even you are slipping, I see. Malvolio: I, my lady? Olivia: You have not asked me to identify myself. Vigilance is always important. But to my mind, it is a custom more honour'd in the breach than in the observance. Andrew: But the Federation is destroyed. Olivia: Not destroyed. Merely in disarray. And like any wounded animal, it is now very dangerous. It will try to rebuild. Would Blake give up? Nor should we. We must be alert for federation spies and infiltrators. Anna? Anna: My lady? Olivia: See that Toby and Andrew return their weapons to the amoury without damaging any more culinary enemies. Malvolio, Orsino sent another pilot to entreat our aid today. We must check the defences. [ Exit Olivia and Malvolio ] Toby: See how he follows, like a puppy eager for scraps. Anna: I can burst his bubble. I have a plan, to discredit our pompous friend. I have some ability with security systems. I shall send a message to his screen, as though from Olivia. Then shall he follow instructions, and behave contrary to her wishes, while thinking him aright. Toby: I like this plan. Andrew: Why can't we just beat him up? Toby: [whacks Andrew] That's obvious, fool. Anna: Never mind. You will have a chance to fight. Now, take thou these rifles back to the armoury, while I plan malvolio's fall. [ Exit Andrew ] Toby: Er, why *don't* we just beat him up? Anna: [whacks Toby] What is the plan? Toby: Andrew challenges Olivia and kills her Anna: And after Olivia, who will be selected at leader? Toby: Me! Anna: No, Malvolio, since he's Olivia's lieutenant. Unless he's already been discredited. Toby: Andrew could just kill him, too. He'd like that. Anna: But then it's too suspicious. Instead, we have Malvolio removing himself from the race at the same time that you kill Andrew for murdering your glorious leader. So you'll be the obvious choice for her successor. Toby: I see. No I don't. Why's Andrew going to challenge Olivia? Anna: Because he'll think she's a Federation spy. After all, she's quite right: there's probably one around here somewhere. Now go to him; I must prepare the message for Malvolio. [ Exeunt ]