Ares, Ares

This one requires a few words of explanation, to say the least.

During Redemption'01, I was playing Ares, God of War, who was standing for Ruler of the Universe. This involves the hustings, an hour-long Q&A session on the Sunday, where audience grill the candidates and the candidates try to be funny and entertaining. And at the start of the hustings, each candidate has to give a brief campaign speech...

But that's just the setting. You also need the background.

An obscure American female vocalist called Britney Spears recorded a pop ditty called Hit Me Baby One More Time, which promptly sank without trace, but not before it attracted the attention of indie Scottish favorites Travis. The band performed a live cover for their session on BBC Radio One's "Mark and Lard" show, and in the process demonstrated that it was actually quite a good tune. It appears as a B-side (or, since it's track three, should that be C-side?) of their single Turn, and I thoroughly recommend it. The intro's entertaining enough for the admission price alone.

Either way, I couldn't get the damn thing out of my head, so I don't see why you shouldn't suffer too.

Anyway, at some point on the Saturday night, between the Cabaret and the bar, I conceived the idea of filking this for the election hustings. Beats trying to remember the speech, anyway: it's only got five chords, and one of those is a repeat.

So, just to explain: also standing for Ruler of the Universe were:

• The current incumbent, Supreme Commander Servalan, who so far has managed to win through a combination of cheating and not playing fair;
• Londo Mollari and G'Kar, who happened to be getting married that weekend;
• Spike, from Buffy;
• Mister Spock (but the evil one, from the mirror universe);
• The Clangers.

(Oh, and yes, there's a whole extra verse/chorus in here. That's because I needed space to mention all of the candidates.)

Music: Hit Me Baby One More Time, by Britney Spears
Lyrics: Copyright (C) 2001 Stephen Kilbane

Oh Ares, Ares, you want me to vote for you
But I'm undecided
Oh Ares, Ares, I think you are really cool
But I also think that Spike is.
Tell me why you want me to be
An object of Servalan's Fury (because)

Chorus:
My common sense is telling me (that I)
In self-defense, give loyalty (to Servie)
Though I still love you I must decline
Hope you don't mind
That she wins one more time.

Oh Ares, Ares, I like you, but, you see,
There's a Naan and a Centauri.
And Ares, Ares, I'd rather they asked me
To their wedding party.
And Spock always uses logic,
And I've always been a fan of (Star Trek)
Chorus

Oh Ares, Ares, We're running out of time,
The vote is getting closer.
Oh Ares, Ares, I'm sorry, but I find
You look better in your poster.
It's so hot you almost sizzle,
But the Clangers are cuter and they whistle (but still)
Chorus

Oh Ares, Ares, you know I'm still a fan.
Oh Ares, Ares, I hope you understand
But I must confess
That a black dress
is one thing I fear
When it's worn by Sleer
So now you see
Why I'm resigned
That she wins one more time.
Chorus