Stand Behind Your Man

Just for a change, this one was performed with Helen singing it, rather than Fifitrix. This came about because, post-cabaret at Redemption'03, we were all sitting in the Boulevard, making a racket with guitars and voices, and Helen was having a blast. On Monday morning, she was saying how much she enjoyed singing, and I said, "well, in that case... How would you like to do something in the cabaret next time?"

Of course, that meant I had to actually write something for her to sing. And since she was probably going to be in fancy dress as a result of a masquerade entry, it should really be something that fits her costume.

No pressure there, then.

As it happened, I cheated, and went for something that was more generic. The introduction text, read by our MC, went something along the lines of, "If you ever happen to find yourself playing the heroine in an intergalactic space opera, here's some words of advice you might find useful."

I should mention that these lyrics don't follow the structure of Tammy Wynnette's version; she sings a verse, and then starts wailing on the chorus. Repeat until Heat Death Of Universe. Frankly, repeated lyrics just aren't funny - at least, not the second time around. By the sixth, I imagine the punchlines'd be fading a little.

So that structure had to go. If you happen to have Wynnette's version (it's okay to admit it if you do, and there are self-help groups now), then consider the lyrics up to the first chorus to be a verse (Verse 1, listed below). My Verse 2 follows the same structure as Verse 1, and the spoken interlude is over the second half of the verse. Got that? Good.

Music: Stand By Your Man, by Tammy Wynnette
Lyrics: Copyright (C) 2004 Stephen Kilbane

Verse 1:
Sometimes it's hard being the woman
Giving all the credit to the man
He gets the good lines
All of the screen time
Just because he's got some extra glands

And you know he never listens
He'll screw it all up once again
You'll know he's lying
When bullets are flying
And he says he's not who to blame

Chorus 1:
Stand behind your man
You can use him as cover
You can always find another
To take his place, it's easy

Stand behind your man
Make him your shield so he can
Be more than just a pretty face
Stand behind your man

Verse 2:
And he always looks so perfect
Never one hair out of place
Just come from the salon
Has designer clothes on
Who'd have thought they'd have those out in space

And he acts just like a child
Sulks unless he has his say
But don't complain
When he's a pain
'cause you're better off that way

('cause if you're)

Chorus 2:
Stunned by your man
You'll find it hard to leave him
Might even start believing
His brain is where he's thinking

Can't stand your man
You won't fall for his plans
he just wants to get you bare
There stands your man

(spoken interlude:
Yes, girls, let me tell you something about men
Because I've known a few in my time,
And I can tell you, they're all the same!
They can't remember your birthday, they can't
remember your anniversary. Hell, half the time,
they can't even remember your name! Why'd you
think they call you "baby?"
They're only interested in one thing, and when
they get it, they'll drop you like a ton of bricks
for the first tart they meet. Well, forget that!
Who needs 'em? And besides, girl-on-girl is where
all the action is these days!

Chorus 3:
Just strand your man
On the first world you land on
Don't be the first abandoned
Take your chance when it comes and

Just strand your man
Find a nice girl so you can
Have someone who understands
Just strand your man